Celebrities Who Think They Can Sing

21 10 2010

Dwight Howard is a beast on the glass. Just a complete monster. The guy can dunk, too. He is a top-notch basketball player and a surprisingly cordially ex.

What he is not, however, is a singer. Apparently, he thinks he is, though.

Clearly, this is a troubling development in young Dwight’s career, but he is not the first celebrity to traverse down this path towards hubris-fueled nonsense.

I asked some friends if there were any other celebrities whose forays into bullshit music were particularly distasteful.

Geoff immediately said, “Ron Artest. He sucks”.

This is true.

He is forever forgiven for his music for this, though:

Kristin offered Eddie Murphy – “I love that he likes to party all the time”.

This video proves one thing and one thing only:


Healthy Breakfast Cereals

21 10 2010

Kashi is terrible. It’s a terrible company. If you want to make healthy granola bars, then fine. I’m sure there are a couple of long-hairs who will wanna buy those, so you might get by. Don’t expect kids to, though.

I can live with that, but Kashi had to move into the realm of cereals.

No. No. No. No. NO.

Who the fuck do you think you are, Kashi? You stay away from breakfast.

Cereals are meant to be full of sugar. You are supposed to wake up and almost contract diabetes. That’s what breakfast is for. That’s one of the only reasons to even get up in the morning. Then you come along with this weak shit? No, Kashi. We’re not playing this game. Mikey doesn’t like it.

At least Kashi has a cool mascot…oh, wait, they don’t even have a mascot. WTF, Kashi? Fire your marketing department. You need a mascot. To make up for your horrible cereal that looks and probably tastes like plywood, you could’ve had Kashius Klay, a cereal-loving, draft-dodging, rhyming, I dunno, cat. That would be awesome. He could be like Chester the Cheetah, but without the sexually predatory overtones.

The fact is, Kashi, if a cereal isn’t full of fructose and doesn’t have a mascot who seems like he’s been awake for 36 hours lifting weights and doing coke, then kids aren’t going to care. Take a look:

Sure as shit, Sonny’s been taken to jail on a 5150 before. I have no doubt. He’s crazy. Would you buy cereal from this guy? Hells yes, you would. Why? Because you’d be afraid to find out what happens if you don’t.

The Trix Rabbit is an OG. He’s been trying to get this cereal for decades. Motherfucker went to space! He built a rocketship and mastered interstellar travel in order to get a bowl of cereal. He is nuts. Would you buy cereal from this guy? Of course, you would. Why? Not only are Trix delicious, but you know one of these days he’s gonna pull a screwdriver on one of those little shits who keep taking his Trix away. You’re gonna wanna be there for that.

You wanna buy cereal from Toucan Sam? Yup. He’s a literate bird. He has a British accent. He’s a toucan that can read and he’s smarter than you. Of course, you want his cereal. He’s so confident that you will buy his cereal that he has purposely misspelled “fruit”. He’s an erudite, talking bird who knows that he’s better than you. If Toucan Sam ran for some kind of office, I would vote for him.

The bottom line, Kashi, is that you’re in over your head. You picked the wrong bracket, you hippie bastards. Excuse yourself and get out of line.

Ruining MMA with Shitty Clothing

21 10 2010

I love MMA. Being a skinny dude with glasses, I might not look like it, but I do. I watch UFC, Strikeforce, and Bellator religiously. Rest assured, I’ll be watching Brock Lesnar vs. Cain Velasquez this weekend. Sure, John McCain called MMA “human cockfighting”, but he’s an incontinent old man. His opinion doesn’t matter. Seriously, watch this and tell me it isn’t awesome:

See? Awesome, like I said.

There are problems, though, namely that a lot of MMA fans are meathead wastes of human life. I like MMA due to the athleticism, sheer talent, and insane work ethic involved. It’s incredibly impressive. These juicepigs like it because people get hurt, bro. YEAH! PUNCH THAT GUY IN THE THROAT!

A really troubling trend with these doucherockets is their propensity to dress like MMA fighters when they go to the bar to watch. Oh, that’s what I forgot to mention: MMA fighters and fans don’t know how to dress. For whatever reason, standard issue MMA clothing is stuff that Johnny Drama would find gauche.

There are 3 brands of clothing that have ruined MMA for normal folk. There’s Ed Hardy:

AAAAAAHH!!!! It’s a living skeleton!!!!! No, wait…it’s just this guy’s awesome hoodie. Oh wow, you had me going there, Ed Hardy. So yeah, this Hot Topic bullshit is what passes for haute couture.

There’s also Tapout:

Oh no. This shirt is ruined…wait, a sec…that’s not blood! It’s just an awesome design! Tapout, you got me, too! I bet that isn’t a real skull either. Wow, I can’t wait to wear that to a bar to watch other people wear that shirt on TV. It will legitimize me as a person.

There’s also Affliction:

I love Randy Couture. He’s one of my favourite fighters ever. Homeboy’s 46, though. You can’t wear this shit. Maybe it would fly at a disco in Krakow, but not here, man. Dress like you’ve got some sense. Dress like a 46-year-old man.

Clive Owen’s 46. Look how well he’s dressed. Dress like him, Randy. Don’t ruin it for everybody.

Newspaper Comic Strips

21 10 2010

Admittedly, there are very few newspaper sections that I read. I normally stick to sports, entertainment and occasionally, ya know, news. I skip business (because it makes me feel stupid), classifieds (because I don’t want to drive a forklift), and lifestyle (because, while I accept that it must suck, I would rather read sports boxscores than about diabetics…I’m sorry).

Even though, I don’t personally read them, I’m sure that these sections serve the interests of others.  Hell, I’m sure some people even read the bridge column…probably the elderly.

What I don’t for the life of me understand, though, is the comics section. Who reads these? They’re uniformly horrible, yet they’re in every major daily in North America. That mean somebody is reading them. Why???

Here’s today’s Family Circus:

This isn’t funny. Jeffy clearly has a learning disability and he’s depressed about it. Where are his do-nothing parents? They’re probably with Dolly and the baby and the ginger kid with the wavy hair. Meanwhile, Jeffy silently suffers. This is funny, Bil Keane?

Oh, look…it’s Marmaduke:

Honest question, why hasn’t Marmaduke been euthanized? All that dog does is cause trouble. It’s an awful, awful dog. I mean, look at this comic. Apparently, this old lady rates the severity of her strokes based on Marmaduke. That’s just sick.

They still make Cathy?

Oh, look at that. It’s about Cathy being fat and lonely. That’s a fresh angle. I don’t think they’ve done that one before. Cathy needs another piece of cake like a newspaper needs another Cathy column. Maybe Marmaduke’s owners can get a 2-for-1 at the vet and put Cathy out of her misery, too.

If it weren’t for people who own puppies or birds, there’d be no need for comics at all.

Fancy Pet Stores

21 10 2010

I’m not an angry person. I don’t hate anybody, per se. Some people test my patience, though. In my neighbourhood, there’s a store called Bark + Fitz. Why, this is it here:

Bark + Fitz isn’t like a normal pet store. It’s much better. You see, here, pets are your superiors. Just look at their mission statement:

Bark + Fitz is a dog-inspired retail health food store for you and your dog

What the fuck does that even mean? If I’m looking for health food, which I never am, I’m looking for, I dunno, health-inspired health food. “Dog-inspired”? No. That doesn’t make any sense. If you to the hospital for life-saving surgery and the doctor says that it’s going to be “parakeet-inspired”, you’re gonna die.

We aim to provide all natural and holistic food and treats for dogs to live longer, healthier, more active lives.

Well, that’s nice, but here’s the thing. I don’t eat that myself. I had a Double Down the other day. If I don’t take care of myself, what makes you think I’m going to buy organic bullshit for my dog? My dog eats shoes.

Hmmm…says here that Bark + Fitz is “a family business founded in Oakville, Ontario – one of the hippest places in the world”.

Can’t argue with that. When I think hip, I think Williamsburg or Portland, Oregon or Austin, Texas, or Oakville, Ontario. Nothing says cutting edge like a suburb half-an-hour away from Buffalo with a giant automotive plant in it. In many ways, Oakville today is like Seattle in 1991.

At the end of the day, if you’re spending more money on your pet than you are on yourself, then there’s something wrong with you. Places like this prey on the stupid and take their money. Don’t be one of them.

Educational Shows for Kids

20 10 2010

This weekend, I’m going to Georgetown to my cousin’s place. She and her husband have 3 kids: Carlos is 14, Luke is 7, and Liam is 4. They’re all really bright kids. Hanging around with them, I’ve noticed that the younger ones watch a ton of educational television. In fact, most kids’ programming today is of the educational variety with Dora the Explorer and Go, Diego ,Go! and all of that other crap. Why?

All I watched was Thundercats and He-Man and I turned out just fine pretty well ok.

The thing is, some of the characters in these shows that are allegedly supposed to be helping your kids are, in fact, terrifying or simply bad influences. Don’t believe me? Read on.

Here’s Grover:

Let’s see. Emaciated? Check. No teeth? Check. Speaks with a confused, disturbed lilt in his voice? Check.

People, Grover is a METHHEAD. Look at him. You head down to Sesame Street at 4 in the morning and sure as shit, I guarantee you can buy a Blu-Ray player from him outside of Mr. Hooper’s store for $6.

He has no self-respect, either. Who lets themselves get photographed while sitting on a toilet? Come on, man. Get some help.

Polkaroo is a horrible influence.

Alright, kids are dumb. We know that. That being said, even the slowest of kids is on to this twisted little game here. The male character always keeps missing the goddamn Polkaroo because THE MALE CHARACTER IS THE GODDAMN POLKAROO.

For all intents and purposes, Polka-Dot Door was some kind of weird club for furries played out under the guise of a show for kids. That’s just sick. I hope somebody put Humpty, Dumpty, Marigold, and Bear into Protective Services.

Elmo’s up to no good, either.

Firstly, note the mange and how gaunt he is. He probably shares needles with Grover. That’s not the point, though. Listen to how he talks:

It’s bad enough that he talks to fish and hangs around with Chad Pennington, but he speaks in the third person. What a narcissistic little turd. Where do you get off, buddy? It’s not all about you, Elmo. There are real problems in this world and you go around with your head in the clouds and without a goddamn care in the world. Tickle Me Elmo? No, man. More like Sicken Me Elmo.

What fresh hell is this? My cousin Christine, whose 4-year-old daughter, Amylia, loves this, informs me that this abomination against Christ is called Yo Gabba Gabba! A better name for the program would be GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Kill It with Fire!!!!  Seriously, what the fuck are those things? This shit would give HP Lovecraft nightmares. Holy shit. That cyclops thing’s eye follows you like one of those creepy Jesus paintings. This is making me squeamish.

Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, think twice about exposing your spawn to this stuff.

The Big Bang Theory

20 10 2010

For some ungodly reason, CBS’ The Big Bang Theory is the top rated show in Canada.  This show here is the show that more people in this country watch than any other:

Hahahahaha! Can they say that on TV???? They went there. Oh, man. I can’t believe they went there.

So, as you can see, this show is awful and I weep for all Canadians.

Full disclosure, I’ve never watched the show before. Why would I? It looks terrible and it’s made by the guy who created Two and a Half Men, arguably the worst thing to hit North American shores since the Hantavirus.

From what I can tell, the show is about four autistic guys and their neighbour who is blonde and attractive (OMG! They’re weird and she is good-looking!!! HAHAHAHA! Hilarious).

It sounds pretty exploitative. If you ask me. These guys seem to be socially backwards and this is a comedy. Life Goes On didn’t try to be funny.

The show stars David from Roseanne, a bunch of other nobodies, and the chick who was on that show that John Ritter was on when he died. Some say he died from the shame of being on that show.

The guy that who wins all the awards is this guy, though:

His name is Jim Parsons and he probably has a basement full of bodies.

Looking at his Wikipedia page, he’s been on such classic TV shows as Ed and Judging Amy.  If that isn’t a track record of quality, then I don’t know what is.

Recently, he won the Emmy for Best Actor in a Comedy over, among others, Alec Baldwin. That’s right. This chump beat Jack Donaghy.

Worse yet, this show is on at the same time as Community, which might be the funniest show on television right now. If you’re not watching it, do yourself a favour and start.

Or, ya know, you could continue to watch this: