This weekend, I’m going to Georgetown to my cousin’s place. She and her husband have 3 kids: Carlos is 14, Luke is 7, and Liam is 4. They’re all really bright kids. Hanging around with them, I’ve noticed that the younger ones watch a ton of educational television. In fact, most kids’ programming today is of the educational variety with Dora the Explorer and Go, Diego ,Go! and all of that other crap. Why?
All I watched was Thundercats and He-Man and I turned out just fine pretty well ok.
The thing is, some of the characters in these shows that are allegedly supposed to be helping your kids are, in fact, terrifying or simply bad influences. Don’t believe me? Read on.
Let’s see. Emaciated? Check. No teeth? Check. Speaks with a confused, disturbed lilt in his voice? Check.
People, Grover is a METHHEAD. Look at him. You head down to Sesame Street at 4 in the morning and sure as shit, I guarantee you can buy a Blu-Ray player from him outside of Mr. Hooper’s store for $6.
He has no self-respect, either. Who lets themselves get photographed while sitting on a toilet? Come on, man. Get some help.
Polkaroo is a horrible influence.
Alright, kids are dumb. We know that. That being said, even the slowest of kids is on to this twisted little game here. The male character always keeps missing the goddamn Polkaroo because THE MALE CHARACTER IS THE GODDAMN POLKAROO.
For all intents and purposes, Polka-Dot Door was some kind of weird club for furries played out under the guise of a show for kids. That’s just sick. I hope somebody put Humpty, Dumpty, Marigold, and Bear into Protective Services.
Elmo’s up to no good, either.
Firstly, note the mange and how gaunt he is. He probably shares needles with Grover. That’s not the point, though. Listen to how he talks:
It’s bad enough that he talks to fish and hangs around with Chad Pennington, but he speaks in the third person. What a narcissistic little turd. Where do you get off, buddy? It’s not all about you, Elmo. There are real problems in this world and you go around with your head in the clouds and without a goddamn care in the world. Tickle Me Elmo? No, man. More like Sicken Me Elmo.
What fresh hell is this? My cousin Christine, whose 4-year-old daughter, Amylia, loves this, informs me that this abomination against Christ is called Yo Gabba Gabba! A better name for the program would be GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Kill It with Fire!!!! Seriously, what the fuck are those things? This shit would give HP Lovecraft nightmares. Holy shit. That cyclops thing’s eye follows you like one of those creepy Jesus paintings. This is making me squeamish.
Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, think twice about exposing your spawn to this stuff.